Movies We Hope We Never See

I never thought that I would see it happen, but yes; soon we will have appearing before -someone-, on the silver screen, a Cinematic version of Monopoly. There will be “Sexy young things” so you may want to go see that on the face of it. But I digress.

Anyway, we at MAP uncovered ‘secret documents’ from the center of Hollywood that show transcripts of unlikely games that Hollywood is going to make into feature motion pictures. Read and be astounded.

Dig Dug: Okay, so this guy is mining vegetables. And he’s the only one about, so he must want to be alone, right? So, I guess he was in a war or something, maybe against those weird dragons or whatever, and those creatures come back to find him. So he gets his pump pistol and goes out to take care of them, vigilante style, like a Western, right? You can see it, right? Dig Dug: The American story!

Donkey Kong: This’ll combine two of America’s most favorite elements, the fairy tale and the giant monster attack. We have these chubby Italian men; everyone likes those, and a princess, that was kidnapped by King Kong, except we don’t call him King Kong because we’d get sued. So, he’s Donkey Kong because he’s stubborn and not going to give up that princess easy, right? You all with me? So, he runs up the ladders, dodging the barrels, and beats the gorilla and takes the princess. We could also make the gorilla Communist because no one likes Communists. Right? Guys? Hey, where are you all going?

Lemmings: So these little guys have to keep walking to somewhere, right, all in a line. Well, they had to leave for some reason. I see that they decided to up and leave because they got something like, I don’t know, a message from God or they’re land has been polluted or something. So they all start heading out, and they find that they can do things they haven’t been able to do before, like dig through things or use pickaxes or even explode. It’s like Moses and the Israelites, except its non-denominational, but -inspiring!-, you know? Hey, I’ve got research, this stuff works! There’s a chart, man, a chart!

Lode Runner: We all know how Indiana Jones is popular, you know, with the hat and the whip and the big rocks rolling all over the place. And of course, there are Nazis. Everyone hates Nazis, well, except the Nazis, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Indy, but better! A gold hunting man, who has to fight his way to get to the gold by quick moves and digging holes through the floor to trap the robots in. But the floor is -magic-, right, and it’ll fill back in and release the robot so he’s got to move fast. We’ve got action, we’ve got robots, and you bet your ass we’ll have romance. I can see you guys are so excited you’re getting right out there to work on it! Yeah, you look like you’re hurting to get to work on it! That’s great!

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About 

I am a 33 year old librarian, part time writer, all time gamer, and what my cousin refers to as an intellectual badasss. Normally I wouldn't brag, but I like that so much I feel compelled to.

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