#8: Pole Position

Joe: How did they take the simplest, 8-bit, Point A to Point B racer and turn it into a group of ragtag secret agents fighting crime in their supercars?

Sinan: That actually sums up the whole thing…it really was a bizarre evolution. I guess they just wanted the name. Still, purely as a cartoon and regardless of how it relates to the game, Pole Position was awful. It had terrible animation -- the kind that would have been frowned upon in the 70s, let alone the 80s. The characters -- who are supposed to be cool government agents -- are the most boring, vanilla crap I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch. To top it all off, there’s a weird animal that is a hybrid of a raccoon and a monkey for no good reason. It’s not just a contender for the worst video game cartoon; it might be the worst cartoon ever made.

Joe: ‘Nuff said, although I now can’t wait to see Gran Turismo: The Series, about a group of undercover cops infiltrating the seedy world of drugs and sex on the Vegas strip.

Sinan: Ultra-realistically, of course.

#7: Double Dragon

Joe: Double Dragon is one of the few huge 80s games series’ that hasn’t returned to prominence in recent times, and I believe that this cartoon and the awful movie are partially responsible. They didn’t even do Abobo right!

Sinan: It didn’t do anything right. The whole premise was weird. I just re-watched the opening episode and I couldn’t understand what was actually going on. Is Billy being trained in Chinatown or in China? Is that policewoman the only officer around? Who the hell are the bad guys? Why does Billy have an American accent and talk like a pansy?

Joe: I don’t know, man. I do know this: they say “dragon” fourteen times in the theme song (I counted), and “you gotta fight for right the might of the Dragon!” The theme song was 100% win.

Sinan: Oh yeah, you reminded me! Billy’s go-to phrase was “By the Dragon!”

Joe: Ha-ha, of course it was. Those clever writers had it all figured out.