Don’t let this image fool you into thinking he’s a nice guy; he made lamb chops that day.

Naturally the term “cooking game” immediately produces cynicism, but there are some examples within the genre that are actually quite decent. Take Personal Trainer: Cooking, a DS title that received generally favourable reviews – Metacritic’s words, not mine. The reviews described it as a polished, useful and informative interactive cookbook. That’s all well and good, but the thing with cooking games like Personal Trainer: Cooking and Cooking Mama is that they’re all fluffy, light and friendly. What’s wrong with that? Well, I think it would be interesting if someone made a cooking game with a bit more grit, with an edge that sweet ol’ Mama just can’t offer; a game that transforms cooking from a life skill into a challenge, throwing players into the chaos of a kitchen, forcing them to prepare food that’s actually edible while somehow placating the impatience of their ravenous guests. In short, what if someone made a game that held true to the phrase “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen”? Who could that someone be? Well, it could have been Gordon Ramsay.

Ramsay, leading British chef and celebrity (the two go oddly hand in hand in the UK), and Ubisoft released a video game based on his highly successful TV series Hell’s Kitchen. If you’re not aware of Ramsay, the wee Scot has a notorious TV persona. If I were being polite I’d describe him as hard-hitting and uninhibited in his quest to produce good cooking. If I weren’t I’d say he’s forged his TV career by being a profane, arrogant, and self-satisfied bastard. Smug jerk or not, he does make for great TV.

Sadly, the appeal of his reality TV cook-off show Hell’s Kitchen did not translate into the game. As you’ll ascertain by watching the awful trailer above, the core gameplay is little more than a glorified version of Diner Dash, the simplistic mobile phone game that rode the early waves of the casual boom. You’ll also note the disastrous, constipated CGI representation of Ramsay, one that doesn’t even swear. What’s the point of including a verbally leashed Ramsay? IGN’s Jason Ocampo was particularly damning in his review of the PC version of Hell’s Kitchen; he said that the visuals barely surpassed that of a Flash game, that it was “devoid of fun” and “monotonous”. He closed by saying the repetitive mouse clicking meant the only thing the game produced was a recipe for carpal tunnel syndrome. When the end product of your game is a medical condition, that’s not so good. Does this suggest that the Ramsay experience can’t be translated into a video game? No, it doesn’t. It’s just about picking the right TV series of his to adapt. So, allow me to present my first video game concept: Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares DSi.

Kitchen Nightmares DSi would closely follow the formulaic roots of its televisual father. It would commence with a video of Gordon Ramsay coldly introducing himself to players before asking them what’s going to be on today’s menu. Players would then input via the touch screen the dishes they’re going to cook – and by cook I mean not in the game but in reality. Once that’s done the game would then ask players to input their vital statistics, namely their height, weight, age, nationality, and any other prominent features that can later be cruelly highlighted in an abusive Ramsay tirade. Then players are asked to sit the console near where they’ll cook, so that while they cook their chosen dishes they’ll see an image of Ramsay glaring at them on the top screen, his brow furrowed and forehead vein bulging ostensibly, while on the bottom screen a timer ticks loudly to remind them how ridiculously long they’re taking to cook such a simple dish.