Video game movies suck.  

Maybe that’s a sweeping generalization, but it’s hardly an unkind one. We’ve suffered through one awful movie adaptation of a video game after another, and they’ve left us depressed, scarred and mortified. Following in the steps of The Top 10 Most Embarrassing Video Game Cartoons of All Time, GameOn: Big Red Potion’s Joe and Sinan take you through the specific moments from these movies that recur in their nightmares, the scenes that epitomize the stream of filth that has gushed from Hollywood in the name of gaming, and the fourteen most embarrassing video game movie clips of all time. Be warned: you may need a bucket.  

14: Super Mario Bros: Mario’s Icy Ride 

Sinan: For the record, that’s King Koopa on the loud speaker…talking to what is meant to be Goombas…about pizza. And that’s Bob Hoskins as Mario getting a bunch of stereotypical Brooklyn girls to ride his icy slide. Almost sounds good on paper…

Joe: Those accents…

Sinan: Isn’t that how you all talk in America, Joe?

Joe: Hi Hollywood – did you know that not all of us New Yorkers talk like we’ve been punched in the voice box? Also, why wasn’t Dennis Hopper given something for his performance here? “Where’s my pizza?” Classic. I have to admit that I hold a special place in my heart for Super Mario Bros: The Movie.

Sinan: You ought to be careful then. That’s the kind of thing that causes heart disease.  

13: Tomb Raider: Boss Fight 

Sinan: Tomb Raider is actually one of the most appropriate video game IPs to be adapted into a movie. On a basic level you’ve got the whole female Indiana Jones thing, but they also have Angelina Jolie for crying out loud. Despite all this, they managed to make not one but two disastrous movies, with this clip being an excellent demonstration of how--regardless of the size of your budget--you can produce absolute shit if you really try your hardest.

Joe:  I understand the need for a suspension of disbelief in movies--especially in movies based on video games--but for crying out loud; is this the best you could come up with, Hollywood? Hmm, good thing this giant wooden log just happens to be inches away from Lara…what would she have done otherwise?

Sinan: What I love about is that it’s there for absolutely ages, just swinging away, swing, swing. Hmm, I wonder if it’s relevant to what’s about to happen?

Joe: I like the ending too, where Lara jumps from the temple and ends up a solid 200 feet from it. I knew she was agile, but…

Sinan: Yeah, it’s a shame what would naturally occur didn’t happen.

Joe: Now that I would pay to see.